Sunday, October 25, 2015

My Creative Life Got Hijacked By Life...

From my "Portals Syllabus" Altered Book
Sigh....I think I danced away from the creative muse again....

Little energy, desire, or ability to focus. Gray moods and/or impromptu, random tears. Worry and anxiety buzzing like bees around my head. Both studios messy, chaotic and little room to move around -- or breathe. No new art to think of. Signing up for a gazillion inspirational e-courses and only getting past the first email, video, or comment/share. No desire to teach. Just want to sleep.

Does any of this ring a bell in the back of your mind? It seemed too, too familiar to me. And i was fearful that this time I'd move way for good from the creative process...and never come back.

Then I talked to a dear friend (her skill sets include being an artist and a therapist). After listening to my "symptoms" she said "Virginia, you need to give yourself a break - you're still in the grief process from your mother dying. Plus you had a 6-week total kitchen renovation. Plus you are caretaking and worrying about your beloved, but aging, 20-year old kitties". That's a lot of stress and you need to be easy with yourself. You'll return to your flow after you integrate all of these changes...."

And once she said that to me, my behavior made a bit more sense. It also allowed me to take a step back and take a deep breath. When the crying jags come out of the blue, I can stand back a bit and watch them rip, and then go on with what I am doing. It's also OK if I can only do things in bits or small chunks. It's OK if I only want to look through magazines for collage fodder. 

What i am seeing is that I am in process -- I am in the process of life -- and whatever that looks like -- that's OK.

And sooner or later my mojo will return -- it may just look a bit different than it did. And that's OK too.


  1. I can so relate to how overwhelmed u are feeling... I am sorry for your loss... I too lost both parents.. Dad, May 2012, Mom, Oct. 2012...and before u feel sorry for me, don't... U know I have had loss, my Dad's was expected.. he had a heart condition since he was 40.. heart attacks, pacemakers, then heart failure.. he lived a long life.. He lived 88 years.. Mom's cause was (as stated on death cert.) 'hypertension'... which I don't believe. and no not a broken heart which most would think... Mom defined herself thru others.. So I know u know what I assume....
    No need to apologize for what u can't creatively do... Life got in the way... How is your brother? I found writing letters to the ones who are gone, a big help.. it gets a lot off of your shoulders... Email me if u need to vent, I will 'listen'.... ((HUGS))

    1. Hi Chris. Thanks for popping in and taking a moment to comment. I'm not really apologizing -- I think it's just that I'm more accepting of the process of grieving and becoming more aware of how it weaves through all aspects of a person's life. As an artist and creative my "goal" (up to now) has been to express my self through whatever I have the desire to create. With the grief process my desire to do any of that seemed to all but disappear. In the past I would have muscled myself right past any blocks -- and I haven't even had the desire to do that!

      I think things are starting to shift though -- mainly because I even had the desire to write about it here. And I was also curious that if I did post about it would I start to feel some motion around creating art again? We'll see!

    2. I think if u did post about it, it will help your creativity.. I'm a firm believer that whatever we experience molds us in another direction.. I know w/each loss I have had, my thinking, views and what I expect out of myself has changed what I felt before those losses... The image above definitely shows what u have experienced and what is going thru your head...reminds me of that adage: ' can't see the forest through the trees'.

  2. I just thought of something... I bet your kitties understand you..I know Kalei does when I am stressed or feeling sad... She shows it by just studying me... she becomes more of a lap kitty... Your friend is right about what you're going thru... The wanting to sleep is your body telling u that it needs some definite rest, especially mentally...

    1. Yes my kittens help me every day. You could call them therapy animals! I was a BIG assignment they couldn't pass up LOL!